...do I want to be a nurse?
I had a little breakdown today.
Do I have what it takes to become a doctor?
I have the passion, and the love for all things medicine.
But is it enough to get me that doctor-of-medicine degree?
Sometimes I think, "Maybe I should be a nurse, it's a thousand times easier and have a decent to amazing shot at making a good program."
Sometimes I think, "Becoming a doctor might keep me from having a happy marriage, or start a family at the right time."
Sometimes I think, "Nurses make good money, I'll have a life."
Then I think...Like in economics...about opportunity cost.
What would giving up my dream of becoming a doctor cause me to lose?
I would lose the satisfaction of having what I've wanted the most, career-wise.
I would lose that hefty (but oh so beautiful) yearly salary.
I would lose making making my own schedule.
I would lose getting those Christian Louboutins, Manolos, Jimmy Choos.
I would lose the fancy house in the suburbs.
I would lose the satisfaction of graduating as a doctor in medicine.
I would lose the "DRBORJA" license plate on my little silver Mercedes Benz CLK.
I would lose the Dr. in my name, period. ;;
But I think, what keeps me from persuing nursing, is the fact that I'd be succumbing to these expecations built up based on my culture alone. I don't want to be another light brown face in the hospital distrubuting medicine and calculating blood glucose levels. I don't want to follow in my moms footsteps, I want to go beyond them. (Though, I am VERY proud of my mothers lifetime achievements, Sharp has been good to her.)
And part of me wants to fill in that void in my moms heart. She denies it, but I know that it's there. She was going to be a doctor, top of her class, accepted at the best medical university availible in the Philippines, had amazing scores...but her money wasn't enough. As of late, she's gotten in touch with her friends from highschool, some of which were doctors, businessmen, lawyers etc. And I can tell she feels belittled in comparison to them.
I want to become a doctor for my mother, so that in some twisted way, she'll finally become a doctor through me. I mean, it's the least I can do for her, considering everything she's been through and done for me and my brother. And we have the resources to make it happen, I just need to use them.
But becoming a doctor isn't just because I wanted to pick up where my mother left off.
It's beyond that as well.
I feel, ever since I started working at the hospital and working with children at church, that taking care of people is what I was put here to do. Whether it's diagnosing classmates, and occasionally getting it right. (Score one for predicting dads tonsillitis and my classmates TMJ!) Or if it's nitpicking stuff out of Loris's hair that came down from out tree...
I NEED to be needed.
I have a knack for trying to help people to the best of my ability and an addiction to that feeling I get when I do something right, something productive, something potentially life-saving or beneficial.
And if becoming a doctor is the only way to get my fix.
So be it.
I just need someone to snap me of becoming a nurse every once in a while, cause I swear to god, it sounds really good right now.